I hate to admit that I'm damn near in the same boat I was in 3 years ago.
Alone now, I find myself falling down the rabbit hole, mad and madder I go. Thinking in riddles like the cheshire cat. I hate how things are. I'm not sure what to do.
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Description? how simple a word, but the use of it becomes complicated and twisted and limited by size of vocabulary.... This is a site, for me to say things I want people to know about? I have many beliefs, and am always learning...
History repeats itself in a crazier less fortunate way than before....
Welcome to my own corner of the interweb....
This will, over time, become a confusing place. Also, more than likely, self contradictory, but don't look at it that way, see it as growth. A change in personality if you will.... The amount of feedback I receive shall dictate the frequency of my posts... If my blog makes you think, take the thirty seconds to drop me a comment please....
This will, over time, become a confusing place. Also, more than likely, self contradictory, but don't look at it that way, see it as growth. A change in personality if you will.... The amount of feedback I receive shall dictate the frequency of my posts... If my blog makes you think, take the thirty seconds to drop me a comment please....
About Me
- Knoxvill91
- I'm restless... and hardworking... and i like to eat, and i like to have a good time, who doesn't...
When's the last time you were happy? Have you met anyone since 'her''--for friendship or comfort or romance or anything else? Are you the sort of person disposed to take chances--with your heart or otherwise? When's the last time you got a meaningful hug?
ReplyDeleteYeah, your blog made me think. Will it continue to?
I've dated a girl who had a kid and being a dad kinda revived my will to live so to speak. i realized i was good at something. then when i broke up with her i got rid of a completely badass car that was the fastest car in two towns i was in most often. it was nicknamed the batmobile. but i got rid of the car so i couldnt travel to be with other people who wouldnt return the same amount of emotion i put into our relationships. then i got a monster truck chevy that you can see on my facebook (knoxvill91) then i realized i like cars. so after 19 years i finally found something i was good at and a car. i've had 10 vehicles since then and i guess its been a process learning mechanics. but other than that i found one person that even tried to be with me. she was sweet smart and nice but just didnt feel the way i felt about her. just being around her helped me sleep better though. i went from 2 hours asleep every 2 days to 6 a night. thats progress in my book. right now said "her" is lying on my bed sick from drinking too much. i went and got her from north carolina again this year. i've talked to her a lot about feelings and junk and stuff and well she doesnt feel that way about me anymore. but i've never found anyone i've liked as much as her. or got along with anyone as long as her. still after another year of not seeing eachother we still finish eachothers sentences. i'm a risk taker by nature. been that way since i was a wee lad. i've had over 28 broken bones. dislocated several joints. been in more trouble than i care to admit. but i'm working on it i spose. i've met one guy thats a real good friend in the last few years. one. but no girls really. meaningful hug how? my mom hugs me and she means it about twice a year. but the only person i hug is "her" (her name is dd). but when she hugs me back she doesnt have any feelings behind it. kind of a "fine shut up and i'll hug you" type of thing. right now i'm battling every day to stay to livin life. feeling like nobody needs me in their life sucks.... i try to be witty and thoughtful but last time i remember that i woke up when my truck ran out of gas with a pistol in my hand debating on whether or not to blow my heart out of my chest. so i can still have an open casket funeral. my brother mike ran off with his "wife" to who knows where and nobody knows anything about where they went. my other brother is in texas stationed at fort hood. my point is nobody would blame me for killing myself for feeling this way. i dont know why i havent yet. but i'm going to lay down next to this girl that doesnt love me anymore whom i've been madly in love with and laid my life on the line for several times in the last 5 years or so. and hopefully sleep. goodnight world. tlak to me later?
ReplyDeleteYou went and got "her." Question is: does it help to just have her around,or is it just as painful to be around her and even more so when she has to leave again?
ReplyDeleteI've only ever known personally one person with similar circumstances, in my college years. He worried the hell out of me because he just didn't think there was anything else in life beyond his "her." And I'm not arguing that there wasn't; for in his mind, she was everything. That's no less real a feeling than any other.
I can't say "I understand"; I've never met or been with anyone I thought I couldn't live without, or who was so all-consuming. And women aren't really my thing, so they're still sort of mysterious--and at the same time, pretty easy to figure out. I guess it's easier to be a non-interested observer.
What is clear is there's a lot more to your life, even if she still consumes quite a bit of your waking thoughts. You're not afraid to try new things, get involved with new activities, meet new people. But right now everything gets compared to "her."
Did you think about "her" when you were dating the woman with the kid for whom you were a 'dad' for a while? Or did she offer you anything independently? Sweet and smart is a good start. But she didn't reciprocate the feelings you had for her (no quotes that time; I'm referring to the new girl, not DD). But here's the important question: what if she had? Suppose for a second she felt for you as you felt for her? Would that have changed anything with regard to "her?" Were you able to focus on Miss Smart & Sweet (SS) when you were with her?
Twenty-eight is a hell of a lot of broken bones! But at least you don't shirk in the face of new challenges--and obviously that includes danger. Makes me cringe a little, but you are who you are.
Sadly, the sibling thing isn't as picture-perfect as we'd want it to be. Sounds like you sort of miss your brothers, or at least wish they'd be around. But the cool thing about a good friend--and you were lucky to meet one in the past few years--is that they are there by choice, which is the best reason to know anyone. You want to hang with him when you do and he does as well. There's no obligation(probably because sex isn't involved). It's the only relationship where you get to be who you are completely. That's worth a lot; some people would kill for one really good friend.
It's unimaginable for "her" to be unique to the point where you couldn't be as happy (or more) with someone else. The numbers just don't add up. Not with billions (literally!) of choices.
But I've been wondering since I first read your response, and now really want to know:
What was your life like before "her" ? What made you happy? What made you sad? What did you do for excitement? Have you fundamentally changed at all as a person since you met her?
And one other thing, in response to your statement about "...nobody would blame me..."
I would.
Why?
Because there's always hope. And giving up doesn't seem to be your style. And your mother would miss her hugs...
It helps to have her around except the times when i'm painfully reminded that she's probly not coming back anytime soon. But yeah definitely pretty shitty when i take her back to north carolina.
ReplyDeleteand yeah its no less a feeling. but its more than hurt mad or sad, missed loved or lost. Its brokenhearted. I dont know if you've ever meant everything to someone and over the years become unimportant to them. its the worst feeling in the world when theyre you're everything too.
Women are confusing to me. Dd is not. We finish eachothers sentences all the time. we get how the other feels just by the way they walk into the room. Women are dramatic, around here many are unintelligent and think its cool to be "ghetto". my hobbies include beer pong parties guns cars tools monster trucks farm work typical guy stuff. most girls here like emo guys that wear their sisters pants and think its a good idea to get so many piercings they become a human lightning rod. i hate the city.
its not just waking thoughts either. there isnt much to do in the city that doesnt cost money or lots of time. and everything does get compared to her. mostly because i went all over this city and a couple other towns with her so im surrounded by memories. its like comparing spaghetti with american cheese and kraft mac n cheese. i've only got along with a handful of females ever. let alone one that wanted to be with me. idk it is what it is.
ive thought about dd every day since i first met her. she was so "weird" and different, but we get along with eachother better than anyone we've ever met. the girl in kentucky with the kid had, well a kid. he loved me and she would make me food and clean and ask me how my day went. like everytime she would talk to her friends she would just flip on me. be a person that didnt want anything to do with me. she was too dramatic and not very intelligent. but all in all nothing nobody else couldnt offer me. if laura (the sweet and smart) had reciprocated feelings for me we might still be together. she was for a minute. or at least i thought. till one day she just up and out of nowhere told me "i dont feel the way i used to. or well i thought i did but i dont feel that strongly about you" i did focus on her. maybe more than she was comfortable with and it pushed her away? idk. she doesnt talk to me anymore at all.
my body has been with me my whole life. through thick and thin. very rarely has it let me down. i dont take care of it like i should but i'm trying to get back to good. i've been through more than most people. stabbed a few times broken bones concussions dislocations wrecks infections swine flu nerve damage alcohol poisoning drug problems etc.
my family situation is less than perfect. lets start with my biological siblings. my half brother wants nothing to do with me i havent seen my half sister in years. My "brothers" are old friends. I've been friends with one for like 7 years. the other i've known longer than i can remember. since i was like 4. thats 16 years thereabouts. my mother was a drug addicted alcoholic who was abused her entire life mentally. she was hated for 16 years by her family cause her dad married her mom and the other kids had other dads. well they didnt like her dad so they didnt like her. all my mothers siblings saw one of their sisters get hit by a school bus when they were kids. my father is still an alcoholic about 60 years old. liver spots lots of meds. forced to retire for drunk driving charges. he was adopted. my mom was adopted. the list goes on.
oh not to mention my friend brother mike was abused and lied to his whole life by his mother and my brother andy well his dad has the record in ohio for dui's and his moms been married like 5 times since i can remember. he's lived in a foster home with his grandpa his whole life. at one point we had 12 people living in a 6 bedroom house. 3 bedrooms only had one person living in them.
there may be billions of people in the world. but you might, Might, meet 100,000 people in your lifetime. if you took one minute to meet 8 billion people in the world thatd be 8 billion minutes. nobody has that kind of time.
ReplyDeleteand maybe i'm just unlucky to not meet someone as perfectly imperfect as the people i hold dear. i try but i dont get that instant "click" or "chemistry" with most people. i can point out the negative in anyone and anything instantly. but if the positives outweigh the negatives then they gotta be halfway decent. not to say michael jackson can donate 10 mill to charity and rape little boys (no proof or hatred toward him just an example).
life before her was pretty miserable. i moved out at 15 because me and my mom didnt get along and my dad wouldnt let me live with him. grandma lived "too far away" but i should of went to live with her. i bounced from house to house. dated a girl that cheated on me for months and we despised eachother. i had Rotc going for me that was it. Which is why i joined the Marines. Then when i got out i was supposed to live with dd in north carolina so she moved to nc and lived with her mom. I left the Marine Corps on less than perfect terms and was unable to move for a few months. then i didnt have the courage to move there because i didnt realize how valuable someone like dd was. ive always been into fitness and survival and camping and quads. but never could afford it. so didnt get to partake. so no really happy there. i've been suicidal since i was like 10. unless i'm being productive i feel like i'm worthless. excitement? i had the best worst ideas ever. by age 11 i had broken my skull twice my right arm twice and the cast on said right arm more than once. my left arm once my left leg once and my back. then about 13 or 14 i also broke my neck in a fight (where i didnt participate and just got my ass kicked). Fundamentally i've learned if someones going to be there with you through being kicked out of your moms not being taken in by your dad bouncing from friends house to friends house dating someone you hate being cheated on going to jail not being allowed to participate in your sports international championships 3 years in a row and understands you like nobody else. dont let anything or anyone stand between being with them.work school family bills no excuses. None. i've learned not to be too trusting. had 700 dollars of stuff stolen from me by a "friend". I've learned some things are unacceptable. not everything can be fixed once broken. I've learned i'm good at breaking things. i've always wanted to be a biker. i've always been good at breaking things and raising hell. i've become more disciplined and mentally strong. but at the same time its made me vulnerable. i'm cold hearted toward the world and its problems but when it comes to dd i'll always drop everything at a moments notice to be there for her. someone you love trying to kill themselves in front of you because you hurt them will change a person. i've tried my best to never make her try that again. but her new boyfriend in nc doesnt. which is why i went and got her this year. because she tried to kill herself. they have broken up.
giving up used to be my style. so it wouldnt surprise anyone. my family was surprised i lived to 10, much less teens, much less the military.
ReplyDeletei've also learned that if someone is absolutely miserable, and theyve exhausted all appropriate (depends on the person) options to have some shred of happiness. then suicide would be the only certain end to the suffering then i dont blame them. I've been there. barrel to my chest head in my mouth just waiting to pull the trigger. but still have one more thing i have to do first. in 2009 i was going to shoot myself. i couldnt cause i had to take dd home. so to vent my anger (i was tired of breaking things so i started punching myself in the face) i punched myself in the face so hard i broke my cheek bone. (my hands dont break anymore by me punching anything). but my mom has spent 20 years getting the right medication which she cant stop taking now or it will make her psychotic (by definition). My mom is crazy, and i dont mean she likes to compete at thanksgiving for the best side dish crazy. i mean we the jury find the defendant type of crazy. you know what its like growing up for a year without a mom and only an older brother that hates everyone because shes in the looney bin is like? i've been to the looney bin, counseling, military counseling, talked to friends, coworkers, family. tried meds tried hobbies tried drugs tried finding other people. but i refuse to spend my next 20 years miserable only to be satisfied with mediocrity and being alone. the only reason im still here is because of my danger loving gambling nature. cause maybe, just fucking maybe, i might find a way to be at piece with where i am in life. its the "lets see how long i can stand self inflicted mental suffering game before i snap and get on the news for something less than socially acceptable" situation.
I'd still blame you.
ReplyDeleteBillions of possibilities doesn't mean meeting each and every one; we use winnowing processes to make decisions daily; we filter out (and others filter for us). Alas, you haven't met your 100,000 (to use your number) yet. Not even close. It's just too soon to give up. Your only justification would be when you reach 90, don't have arms and legs, can't speak or hear or see. Then it might be okay. Unless of course there's someone at your bedside with their hand on your forehead reading you a book. And you might.
Incidentally, I'm not advocating a position that claims people don't have their reasons--they most certainly do. It's just that they're not ever very good. The QB on my high school football team stabbed himself several times in the heart in his parents bathtub. Nobody knows why. He was 25. Nice-looking guy, plenty smart, contagious smile. Doesn't quite make sense. Maybe it was over a girl? Maybe he was secretly a gay dude? Maybe he hated is job more than most of us hate dental work. Horrible reasons, all. And even if we knew, and it was a damn good reason, it STILL wouldn't make sense.
I'm not a religious person. Perhaps you are, perhaps not. But I can't imagine death being a part of God's plan. Honorable? Never. Sad, always. At around 20, people would always wonder: what would have become of him? There's no counter-factual in death.
But who would care? You might be surprised. There are people I absolutely love that have absolutely no idea. And I'm not talking I-wanna-jump-your-bones love. I'm talking I love they type of person they are. Just for maybe the way they smile. Maybe just because they never forget to say hello. Some because they treat others so well when they know nobody (but me) is looking. I'd care. I'd wonder just like everyone else. What would that beer-drinkin', good-at-bein'-a-dad, gun-shootin', hot-rod'n, ex-Marine have become?
But I'm not really all that worried. Because there's not a damn thing I could do about it. Call it my own style of tranquility. Frankly, I don't give a damn what your "family" or your "friends" predict for you, or expect of you. The only think that really matters is how you deal with everything. You can't control whether or not someone gives you the finger. You can control how you respond to it. I suppose to some degree you can influence whether or not you get it in the first place, but you get the idea.
A lot of people would discount your feelings based upon your lack of experience. I am not among them. I meant it when I said your feeling--whatever they may be--are as real to you as anyone else's are to them.
...to be continued...
Yes, I've meant a great deal to quite a few people who have, over the years, modified how they felt about me. But I'm not a representative case, really. Because I would never want to be with someone who didn't ultimately want to be with me. I'm more realistic about love in that regard. I know people fall in and out of it. And I can't blame anyone for where they place their love. Doesn't mean I haven't been disappointed. I have been, frequently, but just about everyone I've ever met--including love interests. But again, I can't always hold that against them. Sometimes it's my overly-high standards. (I've been "with" very few people.) That's on me, not them. Regardless, I am not enough of a misanthrope to turn away anyone decent. Besides--and I am perhaps not of the norm in this regard, either--I'd rather know what it is to love than be loved.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot of little shards that should ultimately give you a lot of hope. You've been through difficulties growing up (to put it mildly), yet you survived. You've been hurt and it hasn't stopped your sense of adventure. (It is adventure, right, Marine?" Or were your motives otherwise?) You've referred to friends as "brothers" and meant it--that's quite an honor to them, if you ask me. Hell, you liked Good Will Hunting. (That's what brought me down your path...at least to begin with.)
While you haven't said you've never been happy; you have enumerated countless instances of hurt and pain and sorrow. But by your own admission you might eventually transcend all that.
Forget everything you think you know. Don't begrudge the ghetto girls who chase the girly emo guys. Forgive your dick-of-a-half-brother. Even the guy who kicked your ass when you were 14--forgive him too. All that stuff in the past--let it stay right there.
You listed all the places you've been, and all the things you tried. Keep trying. Harry Potter wasn't picked up but the first publisher the writer contacted. Or the second. (Imagine how those guys feel right now...)
Just don't ever stop trying, and don't ever act out of malice, no matter how much you want to.
And no headline-making, Marine. It's against the rules. Unless you're making peace...
Touche good sir.
ReplyDelete