what do you do

What do you do when you're down? what do you do when you have accepted you're going to keep living, and you'll be unhappy forever. Everyone needs hope. Mine is a girl, a thousand miles away with another man. She says she loves him. I havent seen the way she looks at him, so i cant know for sure. What i do know for sure is she's my one. Shes The One. I have thought about her EVERY day for 5 years since i met her. I miss her in every aspect of my life. She is my best friend. We've been broken up for a little over a year. I bet she can still finish my sentences. I have done very bad things in search of ways to obtain happiness. I hate it. I hate that nothing i can do will make me happy. I hate that everything reminds me of her. There is no escape. Drugs sex alcohol. None of it helps. You cant buy happiness and believe me i've tried. I've had Thousands of dollars pissed away. Just so i can be happy for another day. Another hour. I dont eat because i'm hungry or i want to or even that i have to. I eat because i have nothing better to do. I am such an angry person. The thought of happiness makes me angry. I dont want to die anymore. I'm too lazy to kill myself. If i could go back in time i would do it all again for you, only better. I know nobody will probably read this. I guess i just dont know what to do anymore. I was a very hopeful person. True love and all. Sometimes you just arent set up to win in life, no matter what you do or how hard you work. I take my hanger out by working out twice a day every day. So often that i hurt my left arm. So now i cant workout. AAANNNnnnddd now i know how it feels to literally tear muscle from bone. Very unpleasant. I feel like all i am here for is to destroy. I'm good at it. Relationships, things, people, everything can be broken. I'm good at fixing things too. Some things just cant be fixed though. They say what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. I say it what dont kill you makes you stronger, unless it cripples you for life. I am crippled. Surprisingly not physically. I've been stabbed in the leg the hand twice the arm and the forehead. I've broken about 20 bones. I've dislocated 9 joints. I broke my pinky toe again two days ago and i walk it off. Not because it doesnt hurt but because a broken heart hurts more. Literally. Real love will change you physically. When you become attached to someone it will change the chemistry of your brain. Drugs dull it, alcohol covers it up. But it never goes away. I love this girl more than anyone on the earth. I always will. I've done and said everything i can think of to be with her. She doesnt want to be hurt by me again. I deserve it. I die a little more by the hour every day. I dont know what to do. The way i was raised part of being a man is being the one to let them go. To lie to them so theyll be happy. To Be there for them Forever, even if they dont want to be yours. I'll never see what anyone sees in anyone else, but her.
The world is a terrible place. I wish anything i did made me feel better. But it just makes me angry. Crying makes me angry, having feelings makes me angry, getting hurt makes me angry, knowing its my fault makes me angry. Out of all the people i've ever been with i cant remember their faces. I cant remember what they looked like. I cant remember happy memories, unless theyre her. I'll never be put back together. This is me. A broken, cold, sad, hateful, hurt, angry, person.
Happiness just isnt in the cards for me.
So i'm leaving everything i ever though i knew to join the army, save money for a few years. then travel and probably eventually kill myself when i realize she's one in a million. The shit of it is, you'll probably meet less than 100,000 people in your lifetime.